Prison

Prison

Friday 7 November 2014

Prisons and a Death in the Family

When you are in prison, one of the most difficult things to have to cope with is the death of a close family member or loved one. By its very nature, bereavement is a time when families usually come together for mutual support and comfort, as well as to share their memories of the person who has just died. It is an important opportunity to pay your respects and this, in turn, can help to ease the process of grieving. When you are inside a prison this often just isn’t possible and it can be incredibly painful, leaving a long-lasting legacy of deep hurt.

Death of a parent can be traumatic
Many prisoners find that they have been absent throughout a family member’s final illness or, if the death has occurred suddenly, there hasn’t been any chance to say goodbye. Perhaps because of the criminal conviction there has been a rift in the family, with many things being left unsaid, very often an apology for all the hurt and distress that has been caused. This can be a source of lasting guilt. Or maybe because of ill-health the person wasn’t able to visit the prisoner for months or even years prior to their death.

Having elderly parents, or family members who have serious life-threatening or limiting illnesses, the prospect of a death when you are in custody can be a constant reminder of why the loss of liberty that comes with imprisonment is – and should be – the punishment handed down by the court. Not being able to hold the hand of someone you have loved, and who has loved you, often unconditionally, as they pass away can leave a very significant sense of loss that can take a very long time to come to terms with.

When I was a prisoner, I was always conscious of the risk that one or both of my own elderly parents might die while I was still incarcerated. Although prison chaplains and some wing staff can provide words of comfort in these difficult circumstances, it’s at times like those that you do feel most isolated and alone in the nick, despite – or perhaps because of – having so many strangers around you.

Behind bars: very much alone
As an Insider (peer mentor) in prisons, I have spent a fair amount of time trying to support and console fellow cons who have experienced a bereavement. Usually, it tended to be a parent or grandparent who had died, but occasionally it was a partner or even a young child. For many men, being banged up in a shared cell (‘two’d up’), they find it difficult even to start the grieving process.

Big ‘hard’ men on prison wings don’t often cry, even if they are full of grief and pain. While they might be able to shed tears after dark in their own single cell, having another bloke sleeping a couple of feet away can severely limit the opportunities to have a good cry. It all seems like weakness.

I used to arrange for them to come round to my pad (cell) at a time when my pad-mate was doing something else and shed a few tears. As I’ve written before on this blog, I’m not ashamed to say I’ve sat on a bunk with my arm around quite a few lads who were in deep distress, including one who had just lost his own infant son to a congenital condition. Just allowing these men the space to cry, to mourn and to speak about their loss in confidence was important.

Part of the practical impact of being imprisoned is all about powerlessness and I’ve seen the terrible grief and frustration that cons can feel when they desperately need to speak to a seriously ill parent, partner or relative, or even one of their own sick children, when there is no chance of getting access to either a wing payphone or to a phone in a staff office or the chaplaincy.

The empty hospital bed
I’m very aware of all of this as I type because my own father died yesterday after a short illness. He had been in declining health for a year or so and, being in his mid-80s, he was unable to fight off the final bout of pneumonia.

My sister and I had been able to spend time beside his hospital bed for the last few days of his life, even when he had been unable to recognise us. It was important to us, both psychologically and emotionally, that we were able to see him in his final days and to assure him of our love. Our relationship hadn’t been without its ups and downs, but he was a good father and had always been there for us.

Although I am still very early in the grieving process, my father’s death has not come as a shock. We were mentally prepared for the worst and the doctors and nurses caring for him at the hospital had been tactfully and sensitively explaining his deteriorating condition. When death finally came, it wasn’t unexpected.

Attending a funeral: on ROTL?
Perhaps inevitably, I have reflected on how I would have reacted had my father’s death occurred while I was still in prison. The final establishment I’d been at until earlier this year is a long distance from my parents’ home, so the chances of getting Release on Temporary Licence (ROTL) to spend some time with my father during his final illness might not have been great. No doubt I’d have been called up to the office to be notified by a chaplain or a wing officer of my dad’s death and then I’d have been left to grieve alone.

Of course, since I was at a Cat-D (open prison) for the last year of my sentence, I suppose there was a chance that I’d have been given permission to at least attend the funeral without an officer as an escort. Turning up at a sombre family event of this type in handcuffs and chained to a screw – even a decent bloke I got on well with – is not something that I’d have really considered inflicting on my relatives.

Had I still been in a Cat-B or Cat-C, I suppose I’d have made the difficult decision not to have submitted an application to attend at all. I think that it’s a fair bet that current staff shortages in many establishments mean that scarce resources are making such escorted visits on compassionate grounds much more difficult to organise, even if the will is there from governors to make them happen.

A final resting place
However, mercifully, I’d already been released months earlier and so I had the chance to spend some time with my father before he died. Perhaps it wasn’t enough, but I am finding it a great comfort to have been able to say goodbye.

I’m now also realising just how much paperwork, bureaucracy and arrangements are required, even when a person has died of natural causes in a hospital. Being able to take on most of this responsibility myself is proving to be quite therapeutic. Again, had I still been in prison, none of this would have been possible, including just picking up a phone to call relatives or council offices to notify them of the situation.

Anyway, this is the reason that regular readers will have to wait a short while before I have the chance to post again. I will be back soon. Thanks for waiting.

27 comments:

  1. Sorry to read of your loss.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Ally. Much appreciated.

      Delete
    2. Commiserations - one is not expected to blog about every personal situation it is also OK to take a break or just stop, unless you have something to share when you are ready.

      If you never blog again (I hope you do though - one day) you have still done a wonderful service with what you have written thus far and the discussions you have stimulated. Go well.

      Delete
    3. Alex has researched 117 topics since the start, 45 in July alone! I am happy re-reading posts from the summer >.<

      Delete
    4. *49 in July

      Delete
    5. Thanks for all your support. It's good to be be back. Hopefully more blog posts later this week after the funeral.

      Delete
  2. Aww, this is sad news.
    kate

    ReplyDelete
  3. i'm sorry to hear about your dad, alex. i hope he rests in peace.
    laura

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for you kind message, Laura. Much appreciated.

      Delete
  4. Very sorry to hear your sad news. I'm glad you had the chance to say goodbye.

    I lost an elderly grandparent whilst I was in prison. I knew when I was sentenced that I wouldn't be seeing her again given her deteriorating health. When news came of her death I wasn't surprised but it was still a very sad time for me with just my prison mates to talk to - trying to show any weakness or emotion.

    It was suggested that maybe I could attend the funeral. I chose not to. Any request or application in prison takes forever to process - I suspected that it wouldn't be completed in time. Also, I would probably attend wearing prison clothing, handcuffed and chained to an escorting officer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind comments and observations. I think that this is just one of the subjects that most people don't think about unless they or a loved one are (or have been) in prison. Although the Prison Service can make arrangements for an escorted compassionate leave, the sheer bureaucracy, especially in closed prisons can be insurmountable. I know specific cases where the decision to permit such ROTL - and the risk assessments and staffing allocations involved - took so long that the family member had died or even been buried before permission had been granted (or in some cases refused).

      There can also be problems with grandparents because all too often they are not considered to be 'close' family, even when many people today have been brought up by their grandparent or grandparents because of family break downs or work commitments. This can cause great unhappiness when the person who has died is actually closer to the prisoner than his or her own parents.

      I shared your view on the issue of attending a funeral while inside, and would probably have reached the same decision as you had the issue arisen. I was very fortunate that it did not, but I'm sorry for your own loss and the fact that you were unable to participate in the funeral.

      Delete
  5. I'm so sorry, Alex; I wish you all the best as you go through this sad and difficult time. I don't think it matters how old a parent is when you lose him or her - they are still the same person who has known you all your life, and one of the last links to your childhood. Take your time; I'm sure all your readers will be thinking of you. Take good care of yourself, Alex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Many thanks for your kind words. They are very much appreciated.

      Delete
  6. I just wanted to add my own sympathies to the others above. I lost my own father a few weeks ago so possibly have some understanding, but cannot know what you will be feeling. I am glad you were able to have time with your father before he died.

    Thank you for your helpful, insightful and thoughtful website. I work in Youth Offending and it has really opened my eyes to a deeper understanding of what we are trying to help our young people change and therefore avoid.

    With all kind thoughts and best wishes,

    Howard

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind comments, Howard. My condolences on your own recent loss.

      It is good to hear that you are finding the blog interesting and helpful. This was my aim when I launched it back in July and I've been amazed how much interest there has been. If it encourages more debate about our criminal justice system, and prisons in particular, then that makes it all worthwhile.

      Best wishes, Alex

      Delete
  7. Sorry to hear this. You are a wonderful writer and I hope you'll be back soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks very much for your kind comments. I'm aiming to be posting again within a couple of days.

      Delete
  8. Sorry to hear of your loss. Best Wishes, Sally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your kind comments, Sally. I should posting again soon.

      Delete
  9. http://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/nov/07/tough-love-young-prisoners-spain-model-prison

    ReplyDelete
  10. Alex I lost my dad last yr to lung cancer n Istill cry. Mate ssorry to hear bout your loss. Keep up the good work n allow time to take time love vas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your kind comments, Vas. They are much appreciated.

      Delete
  11. www.seejokesvideo.com
    See jokes video at a big collection of jokes video submitted by world wide people and our great comedians. top collection of really funny jokes video. 100+ Joke Categories with tons of funny jokes video funny Insults

    ReplyDelete
  12. Thanks for all the good work Alex.

    All the best.

    Tommy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Tommy. Thanks very much. I hope all goes well for you.

      Delete