The Visit (Guest Post)

The latest in a series of guest posts on this blog is this poem written by Patrick C. Notchtree. Patrick is the author of a ‘fictional biography’ - a trilogy now published as The Clouds Still Hang (2012) - as well as Apostrophe Catastrophe And Other Grammatical Grumbles (2015).

Patrick C. Notchtree

The Clouds Still Hang is described as a ‘sometimes terrifying life story... of love and loyalty, betrothal and betrayal, triumph and tragedy.’ Writing of his books, he observes that ‘Telling my story, good and bad, warts and all, was the main aim.’

Prior to publication, one literary agent told him that his trilogy was ‘too hot to handle.’ Owing to its content, it is unsuitable for those under 18 years of age.

Patrick now lives in the north of England with his wife, and close to his son and other family members. He is a regular visitor to prisons and the observations and raw emotions he expresses in the poem below will doubtless be all too familiar to anyone who has visited a loved one or a friend in a custodial environment.

Patrick is also a critical commentator on prison issues and the urgent need for reform. He can be followed on Twitter: @pcnotchtree.


The Visit

I drive alone, glee mixed with fear
Along the now familiar way
I foresee your smile, your joy at seeing me
I fear your gloom, your basic misery.
What crisis has hit you?
What illness attacked you,
left by an uncaring system?
As I drive, my mind is full;
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
Perhaps all too briefly, the touch of you.
And I know I will miss
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

The buildings squat low among the fields
As though the huge site tries to conceal,
The depravity of its existence.
As I get near, I sound the horn
Our special code, in case you can hear
To lift your mood, your love is now near
My gaze tries to penetrate
The wall that incarcerates.
In the car park I pause, I am still free,
Empty my pockets, just coins, ID and a key.
Soon I know I will have
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
Perhaps all too briefly, the touch of you.
And I know I will miss
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

The electric doors take me in too,
But they bring me closer to you.
Search, rub down and then I’m through.
Look down the room, are you there yet?
Then to the shop hatch, I know what to get;
Lots of chocolate and very sweet tea.
(That’s for you, much less for me.)
Along the big room I carry the tray
To where you are sitting, it’s now our day.
And now so briefly at last I have
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
And all too briefly, the touch of you.
And yes I do miss
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

You smile your smile, I sense your love
But kept under wraps in this public space.
Other cons, and screws watch this place
Not to mention the lenses above.
We talk, catch up, where is the letter?
Written last week, still not arrived.
Despite complaints, that gets no better.
But now for a time, so long deprived,
At last I have
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
And all too briefly, the touch of you.
I really do miss
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

My eyes take you in, the pallor of your skin
Fed on so little, under two pounds a day.
Not surprising you look so thin.
The chocolate bar is pushed away.
It’s now too rich, too much to eat,
On the edge of malnutrition,
More and more less of a treat,
I’m scared for your condition.
But just for now I have
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
And all too briefly, the touch of you.
I long to have too
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

My eyes take you in, your hair to your toes
You are still there, despite being clad
In the blue prison clothes.
This respite from your pad.
We ask how can I help you,
Trapped in the prison of your past,
So you never see another screw,
And make you truly free at last?
But just for now I have
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
And all too briefly, the touch of you.
And I so want as well
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

You live in the moment, I know
Your defence for the torment inside,
On release, where can you go?
But we manage a laugh, a joke beside.
Then comes the call, “Finish off now.”
The pain of knowing that now we must part.
I’ll keep on coming, I made that vow,
I’ll hold these memories deep in my heart.
But now I must leave
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
And all too briefly, the touch of you.
And I so want as well
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

I walk to the door, go through the check,
I turn and look back, to see if you wave.
You’re at the far end, I’m craning my neck
You get that last glimpse; you’re being so brave.
Then I am out, into the sunlight,
Empty my locker and walk back to our car,
I sit for a moment, my tears out of sight.
Then the drive back, so near and so far.
As I drive, my mind is full;
The sight of your face,
The sound of your voice,
And all too briefly, the touch of you.
And I know I will miss
The scent of you,
The taste of you.

© 2015 Patrick C Notchtree

The Choudary Conundrum

It seems to be an unhappy coincidence, but recent news of the conviction of Anjem Choudary, the British Islamist radical leader, on charges of ‘inviting support for a proscribed organisation’ (namely so-called Islamic State) has come at around the same time as the Ministry of Justice announced its new plans to segregate extremist leaders in prisons in order to reduce the risk of other prisoners becoming radicalised and inspired to commit acts of terrorism. So what are the chances that this new strategy can deliver?

Anjem Choudary

I have blogged before on the impact of radicalisation in our dysfunctional prison system back in 2014 and 2015 (read posts here and here). In the intervening period little or nothing appears to have been done to address this issue, although the previous Secretary of State for Justice, Michael Gove, did commission a report on the matter. This was prepared by former prison governor Ian Acheson and a summary of his findings – although not the whole report – was released on 22 August.

When compared with our bloated and overcrowded prison system, the actual numbers involved look relatively small. We currently have around 85,100 people in custody in prisons England and Wales. Of these, only 137 are Muslims convicted of terrorism-related offences. However, those who identify as Muslims within our jails number around 12,600 and the overwhelming majority are either serving time for a very wide variety of criminal offences other than terrorism or are being held on remand.

Sir Humphrey... a Civil Service master

It is this population – along with hundreds of young, impressionable or vulnerable non-Muslim inmates – that presents would-be radical recruiters with an audience that contains at least some individuals who are ripe for recruitment or conversion to the most extreme interpretations of current Islamist thought and practice. To date, as Mr Acheson’s report acknowledges, HM Prison Service has not been “effective” in tackling extremism within the prison estate. He is obviously a master of the traditional Civil Service gift for understatement. Sir Humphrey, the star of Yes Minister, would be so very proud.

During my own time inside between 2012 and 2014 I was very much aware of just how little most prison staff were aware of what was going on under their noses when it came to radicalisation (and this applied not just to Islamist extremists, but far right groups too). However, even when it was clear that some pretty severe bullying and aggressive proselytisation was going on across the wings, many staff members seemed at a loss what to do about it. I sensed an all-pervasive fear of getting involved with anything that might be interpreted as interference with, or obstruction of, religious practices or even racism.

Might be useful for staff

Having previously lived and worked in several Muslim countries, including Dubai and Iran, I was probably much more attuned to what was going on than most uniformed staff members. I served my single sentence in six prisons and during that time I am certain that I never met a single member of the frontline staff who was a Muslim or who spoke Arabic or any other relevant language such as Urdu, Pashto or Persian. Of course, it is possible that the prisons’ security departments were keeping tabs on those who were involved in ‘grooming’ younger, more vulnerable inmates, but if so I saw little or no evidence of anything being done on the wings.

I also met other prisoners who had fallen foul of radical gangs in different prisons and, rather than break up the tight cliques that effectively took control of spurs (small corridors) or even entire wings, governors and custodial managers appeared more willing to transfer the non-Muslim prisoner to another establishment rather than actually challenge dominant groups controlling large swathes of territory in the prisons under their charge. I certainly gained the impression that as long as radical gangs were not openly disrupting the daily regime or engaging in open violence, especially against staff, there was a tacit approach of leaving well alone.

Perhaps a major part of that was due to the current policies that deal with equality and non-discrimination in our prisons. As a peer mentor I worked closely with other inmates who were equality and diversity reps and it seemed that rank and file officers were often unwilling to challenge Muslim radicals (or some other very visible groups that had the advantage of numbers on the wings) because of a fear that they might face formal accusations or complaints of harassment or racial discrimination. Even if entirely unjustified, such allegations can be both stressful and time-consuming to contest via internal prison channels.

Distinctive Muslim dress in prison

A general lack of knowledge about Islam and its central tenets among prison staff certainly didn’t help matters. I lost count of the number of occasions officers who queried specific practices or activities were told by prisoners: “It’s my religion, guv!”

There is no doubt in my own mind that in quite a few cases inmates were manipulating and even intimidating wing staff who actually had no idea whether what they were being told was true. A few did refer issues to the part-time Muslim chaplain, but to be honest this involved yet more bureaucracy and paperwork, by which stage the original issue was often long forgotten. It was easier to give the benefit of the doubt when it came to unfamiliar religious issues or demands.

However, beyond these more practical questions, there was a wider concern over what these tightly-knit groups or gangs were discussing behind closed cell doors or in informal meetings outside of formal organised prayers led by Muslim chaplains. Where there was a critical mass of prisoners from specific countries or regions, language could be used as a badge of separation. I was in one Cat-B prison where perhaps 12 or 14 prisoners regularly communicated among themselves in various dialects of Arabic, completely unintelligible to those who didn’t speak the language, including other inmates and the entire wing staff.

Instrumental music is banned

In most group structures there was also evidence of dominant or influential leaders who set the tone for the behaviour of the other members of their circle. In some cases the level of influence or control was quite significant, encompassing issues such as listening to instrumental music (considered haram or forbidden as ‘un-Islamic’ by many radical Sunni Salafi sects), sharing prison cells with non-Muslims (‘kuffar’), issues of modesty in the communal showers and even associating on friendly terms with other prisoners. I saw various books and pamphlets being circulated within these groups, often in foreign languages that I was sure no member of the prison staff could possibly have read or checked.

In one prison, Muslim prisoners sought to take control of specific corridors (including the small wing kitchens and shower blocks) in order to bar entry to non-Muslims. This was justified by reference to the need to keep kitchen equipment ‘uncontaminated’ and suitable for the preparation of halal food. By excluding non-believers from the shower blocks, standards of Islamic ‘modesty’ could be imposed. This level of segregation was entirely self-imposed by members of the group.

Drugs found in prisons

Against this background, it is easy to understand the concerns that have been highlighted in Mr Acheson’s report. There can be no doubt that in some cases the gang culture also embraces a range of criminal activities such as drug trafficking and supply to other prisoners, especially non-Muslims. This is a specific area where particularly vulnerable prisoners, such as weak or addicted young men, can be groomed and brought into the orbit of the dominant group or gang.

There is also a very real risk of individual members of prison staff – uniformed and civilian – being threatened, intimidated or drawn into compromising situations by well-organised gangs of extremists. This is a specific security problem that is rarely mentioned or acknowledged, but given the recent number of prison staff convicted of misconduct (a total of 10 in the past 14 weeks, usually for smuggling contraband) it cannot be ignored. I attribute the easy availability of prohibited mobile phones and SIM cards in most of our prisons to porous security, too often aided and abetted by corrupt members of the prison staff, both uniformed and civilian, who supply smuggled items in return for cash payments outside the prison walls.

So will the latest proposals being brought forward by Liz Truss, the Secretary of State for Justice, address the threats posed by radical leaders – so-called ‘emirs’ – in our prisons? At one level, containment of the problem is probably the best that can be achieved. By introducing small, specialist units that isolate known or suspected radical leaders and recruiters their direct influence on wings may be reduced, if not entirely eliminated. By creating a number of such units in high security prisons, it may also allow governors to move such inmates around the estate regularly, thus disrupting groups of prisoners that they may create or lead.

Separation in special units

The wider issues will remain, however. A significant number of prisoners arrive in our prisons bringing radical, anti-establishment ideas in with them. Periods in custody do little or nothing to combat ideologies or religious fervour. In fact, it is usually quite the opposite. Bored and disgruntled, some inmates seek solace in regarding their incarceration as a form of ‘martyrdom’. Christians and adherents of most other major world faiths have gone down a similar path for millennia, so it is unlikely that Islamists will not do the same.

Imprisonment, particularly in harsh conditions, is very unlikely to persuade radicalised inmates to abandon their views and come to love the British state and its institutions. Our prisons have been dubbed ‘hate factories’ for a very good reason. Almost all of these individuals will eventually be released back into the community and many will emerge even more radicalised and filled with hatred for ‘the system’ than they were when they were sent down.

Claimed solutions – such as offending behaviour courses or even radical ‘deprogramming’ – are very unlikely to work with most extremists of whatever persuasion. In any case, these interventions are very costly and require levels of specialist staff that HM Prison Service simply doesn’t have. Given its past track record of failure, I think it is very unlikely that the National Offender Management Service (NOMS) will be able to resolve a crisis situation that it has allowed to develop and fester across our prison system for many years.

The MOJ: too little, too late?

Moreover, creating a new unit within the MOJ headed by an anti-extremism ‘tsar’ seems to smack of the usual ‘Something Must be Done-ism’ that all too often dominates political thinking when it comes to our prisons. It is likely to be a costly bureaucratic response to a problem that would be better served by recruiting more frontline prison staff, including qualified specialists capable of strengthening the intelligence and security departments of specific prisons where radicalisation has been identified as a serious threat. If such prisons don’t have staff members who can read and understand Arabic and other key languages, as well as understanding current Islamic faith and practice, the intelligence battle will be already half lost.

So how will Mr Choudary fare inside the slammer? Having already firmly established his persona as a leading ‘public enemy’ via the ever-helpful British media, the likelihood is that he has already settled into his new role as an Islamist ‘martyr’, oppressed by the infidel, godless UK state he claims to loathe so much. This is his golden opportunity to fight his own personal jihad from the relative comfort of a prison cell. Even in the comparative isolation of one of Ms Truss’s specialist segregation units he will no doubt enjoy the opportunity to take the leadership his tiny flock of like-minded individuals, spreading hated and mistrust as he goes round the prison system.

As a well-educated and articulate former solicitor he will almost certainly become one of the best prison cell lawyers and then run rings round the prison authorities, while causing the unfortunate governors and managers no end of time-consuming trouble and voluminous paperwork. I’d also be amazed if he doesn’t take the government to court sooner to later over the restrictive conditions in which he will be held. And, above all, he will no doubt find a way of smuggling out his sermons and fatwas as a rallying call to his remaining supporters outside the prison walls. If anyone thinks they have heard the last of Mr Choudary and his dangerous ideology, I fear they will be very much mistaken.

Porridge... Attack of the Drones (2016)

The following parody on the much-loved BBC classic Porridge has been contributed by Jonathan Robinson, author of In It and On It, two books about his own experiences in prison and after. No infringement of any copyright is intended.

Porridge: Attack of the Drones (2016)

A parody by

Jonathan Robinson

(with love, respect, admiration and apologies to Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais)

(Prison Interior Cell. Evening. The Door is unlocked. 

Godber enters. 

Fletcher is sat at the table reading the paper)

GODBER

Watcha Fletch!

FLETCHER
Hmmm...

GODBER

Not the normal bonhomie then... What’s bothering you? What you looking at?

FLETCHER

Catching up on the news on the outside my son. One’s got to keep abreast of the situation, innit?

GODBER

Oh, page three.

FLETCHER

You mind your insolence you nerk. I’m reading the news. This is important. That Justice Minister who was making a stink about prison education has been booted out.

GODBER

Gove’s gone goodbye?

FLETCHER

Gove’s gone goodbye Godber.

GODBER

Great. That’s my level three qualification out the window then.

FLETCHER

Maybe not.... I’ve had an idea... Have it come through the window.

GODBER

(sitting down – enthusiastic)

Yeah? How?

FLETCHER

Drones.

GODBER

Drains?



FLETCHER

Drones, you nerk. In the old days we’d get stuff in and out through drains. Now they use drones.

GODBER

Drains – like in Shawshank?

FLETCHER

Yes, but them days have gone down the drain. Now it’s drones. We’re gonna use our noddle – or rather my noddle – and get Grouty’s Flying Corps to airlift in your level three paperwork.

GODBER
Grouty’s Flying Corps?

FLETCHER

Grouty’s got more drones flying in and out of here than you can shake a stick at. The skies over this nick are busier than Heathrow Airport. He’s even selling landing slots now. D wing has been earmarked as Terminal 5. Richard Branson’s terrified.

GODBER

What do they bring in?

FLETCHER

Spice my son. Grouty’s got more spice than David Beckham’s record collection.

GODBER

Oh, the old spice.

FLETCHER

Old spice? That was Henry Cooper and Barry Sheene mate. This stuff is what the youngsters crave these days. Splash it all over. Then they go berserk. Evil stuff.

GODBER

What about the screws?

FLETCHER

What screws? Haven’t you noticed there aren’t any – or hardly any left? And those that are herearen’t

interested – apart from Mackay and Barrowclough.

GODBER

Suppose not.

FLETCHER

I’ll have a word with Grouty...

(Fade out on Fletcher looking thoughtful)



(Prison Interior. The Landings. Evening. Fletcher is walking to the end cell. Prisoners stand about talking. Lukewarm taps Fletcher on the arm)

LUKEWARM

Ooooh. Hello Fletch. Are you going to come along to my evening class? Lots of lovely men have signed up.

FLETCHER

Not now, thanks Lukewarm – but I’m glad it’s going well. Nice one, my old son.

LUKEWARM

The prisoners love it, the little dears. My Graham says he’s very proud of me.

FLETCHER

Yeah, that’s great Lukewarm, but I’ve got to trot along – I’m in a hurry see? I’ve got to go and see

Grouty.

(Snap-cut to Mackay who has been observing this conversation)

MACKAY

FLETCHAAAAAAAAR! Don’t moooooooooooove.

FLETCHER

Oh, gawd.

MACKAY

What are you two undesirables plotting? What hideous devious criminality are you discussing during

your overlong undeserved association time?

LUKEWARM

We were discussing my evening class Mr Mackay. That’s all.

FLETCHER

Yes, Mr Mackay. We were discussing Lukewarm’s evening class. You should go. All prison officers

should go. You’re perfect for it.

MACKAY

(Real sceptical Mackay look and flinch)
What class is that? Knitting lessons?



FLETCHER

No, it’s Turning Pages. Teaches illiterates how to read. Like I said – perfect for prison officers.

(Snap-cut to Mackay’s Looks-Could-Kill reaction. Fletcher makes his escape. 
Lukewarm grins) 

(Fade)

(Prison Interior. Cell. Evening. The Door is unlocked. A heavy stands guard. Fletcher knocks)

GROUT

(off camera)

Enter.

FLETCHER

(entering)

Evening Grouty.

GROUT

Oh, Fletch. How very nice it is to see you. What a pleasure. For you, of course.

(Grouty’s cell is decked-out with luxuries – as per the 70’s series – but up to date items: flat Screen TV, DVD player, iPlayer stereo etc. A poster of Prime Minister Theresa May has pride of place above the (four-poster) single bed. On the back of the cell door is a poster of Jeremy Corbyn – it has a dart board covering the middle of his face. By the desk, adjacent to some books, is a framed picture of Michael Gove, the glass in the frame has recently been cracked. 
Above the lavatory is a photograph of Chris Grayling)

FLETCHER

Yes, well, I just thought I’d pop along and have a chat... you know...

GROUT

Fletch, in all the years I’ve known you, whenever you ‘pop along’ to see me, it’s because you want

something...

FLETCHER

Oh, dearie me. Am I that fickle? Apologies, Grouty. I’ll try and make my appearances more regular. Like the food in this place does to us.

GROUT

Wouldn’t know. I have a hamper delivered each week from Harrods.



FLETCHER

Oh nice. Very nice.

GROUT

What do you want Fletcher? I’m very busy. I’m about to watch the next episode of Game of Thrones.

FLETCHER

Oh, right. It’s amazing who crops up in that, innit? Can I sit down?

GROUT

No.

FLETCHER

Right then... well, it’s about your dro.... (checks himself – doesn’t want to incriminate himself – or cause aggravation) ...about your... er... aerial delivery services...

GROUT

(closing up a file on his desk which says DRONE DELIVERIES on the front)

Nothing to do with me Fletch.

FLETCHER

No. No, of course not Grouty, of course not. But you being the main man in this nick, you know – the

kingpin – apart from the governor of course...

(Snap cut to evil look from Grout)

FLETCHER (Continued)

...well of course he looks up to you too, don’t he? So yeah, that does make you this prison’s kingpin don’t it? Yeah.

(Snap cut to delighted look from Grout)

FLETCHER (Continued)

...so you being numero uno – and all that – I wondered if you could use your influence – and get something in for me, via your dro... via your aerial serv... via the aerial services that someone else is running in this nick.



GROUT

(smugly – butter wouldn’t melt)

Aerial services? Is that how stuff is getting in these days? There’s a notion.

FLETCHER

Yeah. Drones.

GROUT

Really? Drones? What will they think of next?

FLETCHER

Yeah, hundreds of them. I hear there’s so many coming and going that plane-spotters have started

hanging around outside this prison.

GROUT

Oh Fletch, you’re always so witty...

FLETCHER

So I wondered if you could arrange... if it could be arranged... for something to be brought in?

GROUT

(highly suspicious)

What exactly?

FLETCHER

Paperwork.

GROUT

(leching)

Smutty paperwork?

FLETCHER

Oh no – NO – we get that from the screws. And Channel Five. This is educational material – for the lad – you know, young Godber. He wants to do his level three qualification – and as you know; no way is that happening in this nick – or any other nick, come to that.

GROUT

Yes, our education in prison is a disgrace.

FLETCHER

There’s no hope for the youngsters in clink – even the ones who want to engage with the system. The head of education here goes about banning stuff – even the good ideas – and I want to help give young Lennie Godber a leg-up. He’s got potential that lad. Naffing system does naff all to encourage it.

GROUT

You know Fletch, I wonder if we’d been educated properly on our first stretch – whether or not we’d have kept coming back...

FLETCHER

Yeah, good point Grouty.

GROUT

How many stretches you done Fletch?

FLETCHER

Dunno. Lost count. More stretches than a yoga instructor.

GROUT

Very droll Fletch. Very droll. Leave your request with me and I’ll see what I can do.

(Fade)

(Prison Interior. The Landings. Evening. Fletcher is walking back to his cell. Prisoners stand about talking. Prison officer Barrowclough is standing mid-landing with (new) prison officer Selous. Fletcher spots them, rolls his eyes and approaches...)

BARROWCLOUGH

And this, Mr Selous, is our notorious long-time resident Mr Fletcher.

FLETCHER

Evening Mr Barrowclough. Showing the new-boy the ropes?

BARROWCLOUGH

Yes, Fletcher, this is officer Selous. He unfortunately lost his old job, so he decided to become a prison officer. Isn’t that nice of him?



FLETCHER

Oh, very charitable. Well, Mr Selous, welcome to our world.

SELOUS

Really impressed by the vision and dedication of officers and staff.

FLETCHER

Pardon?

SELOUS

Really impressed. Very high standard of furnishing and a great lifestyle for all the residents here.

FLETCHER

I’m sorry?

SELOUS

Pleased to see the improved regime.

FLETCHER

(to Barrowclough)

Does he always talk like that?

BARROWCLOUGH

He’s only just been trained.

FLETCHER

How long is the training for our new officers now Mr Barrowclough?

BARROWCLOUGH

Still only a number of weeks – but some minister or other increased it by 14 days.

FLETCHER

Oh, that’ll make all the difference then, won’t it.

(Fade)

(Fletcher makes his leave and we track him walking to the prisoner phones. 
He looks around to make sure he is not being watched or listened to and picks a phone up. 

He put the receiver to his ear and begins to dial in a number...)



(Prison Interior Cell. Evening. The Door is unlocked. Fletcher enters. 
Godber is sat at the table) 

FLETCHER

Well I think – think – young Godber, that I may have cracked it for you to get your level three qualification sorted.

GODBER

Oh, thanks Fletch. I don’t know what I’d do without you.

(Fletcher climbs up to his bunk – but doesn’t answer. Godber realises something is on Fletcher’s mind so continues his enthusiastic thanks)

GODBER (Continued)

...I mean I’m just a lad from Smethwick. Mucked up. Ended up in nick. I want to improve myself. I don’t want to come back here... but the system doesn’t want to help... it’s only because of your help that I might be OK. Thanks Fletch...


(No response from Fletcher)

GODBER (Continued)

...Did you hear me Fletch?

(No response from Fletcher)

GODBER (Continued)
Fletch, are you alright?

(Fletcher sits up on his bunk. Makes a heavy sigh)



FLETCHER

Yeah, I’m alright... it’s just something Grouty said has made me realise something.

GODBER

What did he say?

FLETCHER

He said he wondered if us old cons had been educated properly when we first came to stir – whether that would have straightened us out – and stopped us coming back.

GODBER What did you say?

FLETCHER

Nothing. But I think he might be right. If I’d got my head down when I was in nick when I was your age... if the system had let me get my head down... I wonder whether I’d be here now... what a waste...

(Tap on door. Fletcher and Godber look up. 
Bunny Warren (the illiterate prisoner) is at the door – grinning)

WARREN

Evening lads.

GODBER

Hi Warren.

WARREN

(entering)

I’ve got a message for you Fletch. From Grouty. I memorised it from his note.

FLETCHER

Memorised it? You can’t read you nerk.

WARREN

Wrong, Fletch.

FLETCHER

What?



WARREN

(grinning)

You are wrong. Incorrect.

GODBER

What do you mean Warren?

WARREN

(proudly)

I’ve learnt to read. With Lukewarm. And Turning Pages. I’m intellectual now.

FLETCHER

God preserve us.

GODBER

Well done Warren!

FLETCHER

What did the note say?

WARREN

I dunno – I couldn’t read his handwriting. So he just told me to tell you to be at your cell window – making sure it’s open – tonight at 1030. Make yourselves very obvious – wave or something and flash your telly on and off...

(Fade)



The next day...

(Interior governor’s office. Hasn’t changed much since the 70’s series – but a new bar graph has appeared on the wall behind his desk headed Self Harmers – it shows a huge increase in numbers over the last 12 months.

The governor is sitting at his desk. He is ticking some boxes.

Off Camera we hear Mackay’s voice (loud) and he, Fletcher and Godber enter shot...)

MACKAY

Two prisoners for adjudication to see the governor! MOOOOOVE YOURSELVES. One-two, one- two, one-two.

(Fletcher and Godber march up to, and halt, in front of the governor’s desk. 
Fletcher panting, Godber looking highly agitated)

MACKAY (continued)

One, two! HALT!!!!!! Face the FRONT!!!! Stand STILL! Prisoners Fletcher and Godber on adjudication SAH! Charged with operating DRONES in and out of the prison SAH!

GOVERNOR

This is very serious. Very serious indeed. What happened Mr Mackay?

MACKAY

Six – SIX – robotic aerial drones, or the remains thereof, were discovered outside these two prisoners’ cell window. Crashed – and smashed to SMITHEREENS. It’s a downright liberty and I’ve got you bang to rights Fletcher. Copious quantities of spice packets have been found STREWN across the courtyard.

GOVERNOR

Where outside their cell window?

MACKAY

In the IMB carpark sir. Four Volvos have been irretrievably damaged – they are beyond repair.



FLETCHER

It’s nothing to do with me or the lad, sir.

(Snap cut to Godber: wide-eyed and terrified)

MACKAY

NONSENSE! Don’t come it with me Fletcher. It’s been like the Battle of Britain around here recently. Your aerial blitz is OVER!

FLETCHER

If they were ours Mr Mackay, why was our window not open when you came blasting into our cell?

GOVERNOR

Their window wasn’t open?

MACKAY

(realising his case has just collapsed).

Er... No... No sir, it wasn’t.

FLETCHER

(to Mackay)

And where were we both when you came crashing in to our humble abode?

MACKAY

(to governor – woefully – the battle is lost).

They were both standing by their television sir, Godber was changing the channels. Repeatedly.

Fletcher was jumping up and down.

FLETCHER

It’s called channel hopping.

GOVERNOR

If their window wasn’t open – they don’t have a case to answer to Mr Mackay. The good news is that the awful drones won’t be bothering us anymore. Fletcher and Godber, you are dismissed. Thank you Mr Mackay.



MACKAY

(Livid)

SAH! Right you two, ABOOOOOOT turn! QUICK MARCH! One two, one two, one two...

(Fade)

(Prison Interior. Corridor outside the governor’s office. Morning. 
Mackay (furious), Fletcher and Godber (who can’t believe they’ve got away scot-free) stop. 
Mackay spins on his heel and confronts Fletcher)

MACKAY

Fletcher, we both know that you’ve been up to something. You may have got away with it – again – but I’m going to stick like glue to you now.

FLETCHER

I don’t know what you’re talking about Mr Mackay.

MACKAY

Yes, YOU DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

FLETCHER

Mr Mackay. Instead of berating me and the boy, you should be happy that there’s no more drones

droning around your prison.

MACKAY

(with the Mackay flinch)

I – without any doubt whatsoever – KNOW you were something to do with this. I’m now going to

(Mackay exits)

inspect the wings...

MACKAY

(Off camera)

IVES... GET YOUR HAIR CUT!!!!



GODBER

I don’t believe this. You set Grouty up so his drones would crash into our window – to stop spice coming in.

FLETCHER

(smugly)

Might have...

GODBER

You’re a flippin’ marvel Fletch. Didn’t get my naffing level three paperwork though. FLETCHER

Yes, you did.

GODBER

Eh?

FLETCHER

I made a phone call yesterday.

(Fletcher removes envelope from inside his jacket)

FLETCHER (continued)

I arranged for your naffing paperwork to be posted in. Arrived this morning. Barrowclough just gave it to me. With all the drone palaver, no one could be bothered to check what was in it.

(Fletcher passes envelope)

FLETCHER (continued)

You’re up and running, lad. Level three here we go. The skies the limit for you... but not for Grouty no more...



GODBER

Fletch. You haven’t changed a bit.

FLETCHER

It’s still us and them, lad. Us and them. And buck the system...

(Fade. Titles)